Bottled
“I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell…”

Perhaps it’s just me. It might be them, but I think it’s me. This feeling… the cold… the pain… the numbness that’s spreading throughout my body… I don’t know what to think, what to say, what to do... Depression. Is that it? Is it the term for what I am in now?  Loneliness? Yea, that might be it. I must be looking pathetic, wandering about aimlessly, looking no more than a slob dragging himself down the walkways.  

Why must it be that who we love, couldn’t really love us? Why must it be that I would love the one I know I cannot love? Why?

This world is a joke. A cruel joke played by an unseen hand. That I have come to believe. I am too tired, too sick to go on anymore. I don’t want to be played the fool anymore. What is done is done, that’s what they tell me. So I heard.

It’s too dark, too hopeless. My world has frozen over with all that I have done. There’s no turning back. Not that I want to if there was a way. No no… There is no way. No way of turning back. I must walk on.

I shouldn’t be here. I used to think I should, but now, things have changed. I rather not be here. After so much heartbreak, the least I could do is to get out of this misery. I won’t miss them. I won’t. They don’t even miss me. So why should I consider about them?

Just dragging myself down the streets. Dragging myself through my life.
Dragging.

Got till it’s gone man. Got till it’s gone…


Facades
“ …maybe then you’ll see.. a different side of me…”

17 Sept 2003

Bah… another boring day. Skipped my classes again. Damn, I’ve got to stop this habit of mine. Sure, the lectures were boring but I should at least make the effort to drag myself to the theatres in the mornings. Well, what’s done is done. Can’t complain much now, can I? The horrendous piles of notes waiting to pounce on innocent old me… Do I really have to go through every single one of them?

Tsk, enough of procrastination. Saw Jack and Marissa at the café today. Good o’ Jack saw me and treated me to lunch! Seriously, I would not forget this afternoon’s lunch of creamy tortellini with tuna. Now, that’s something I do not get to enjoy everyday. Jack is a great guy. Man! I hope that he makes it a habit to give me a meal every time I meet him. I swear that I will not punch a hole in his wallet. Those misers are nowhere in comparison to good o’ Jack! I mean, I even wonder how I got to know such scrooges! I must have been blind to call them friends! In the ten years of our friendship, never had they once – that’s right, once! – offered to pay the bill. Damn their ideology of the sacred wallet. A lighter wallet for one day won’t hurt right? Damn… just thinking about them boils my blood. Oh well, back to the topic. Jack, the happy-go-lucky one. Ha, everyone just adores his company. Hell, he is just the perfect guy man! Smart, good-looking, cheerful, he has all it takes to pull the girl’s heartstrings man. But I must admit, I am still a little jealous that he haves such a pretty girlfriend like Marissa. Sigh… life isn’t fair.

And did I mention that Jack is surfing through his subjects? Great results for every subject! Heard he was almost the top! Well, almost because he was beaten by some unknown, unnamed guy who would most probably spend his life worming through textbooks. Bah… but Jack, now that’s different. If he wasn’t a guy, I would have fallen in love with him. Hahahaha. Ahem. The perfect student eh? Maybe.

21 Sept 2003

I am deadbeat! Those projects and essays! Don’t they bloody end?! I have to do 6 essays within a month! Those professors must be nuts to punish me as such for something I have never done! Damn. This is crazy.

I am writing here as a little break from the gruelling schedule I planned for myself. It’s my only respite now that my television has gone on strike and my radio’s gone to mars. Life is so unfair to me.

Met Jack again today. Same old cheerful guy. He even offered to help me out on my subjects. Darn… If only he was not so nice, I would have offered him a punch to the face to relieve some stress. Alright, I am mean and terrible, but I can’t help it! I am under a tonne of stress here! Ahhhh! Helpppppp!

26 Sept 2003

It’s a miracle! 3 assignments completed in just 5 days! Am I god or what! I am so pleased with myself. I feel like I could just pull some of the dorks out of the room and party all night round, but now now. I shall restrain myself. I must restrain  myself. There are still 3 more essays to go. I don’t really care much about the quality now. Better to have something than nothing.

Saw Marissa in the library today. I have no idea why am I bumping in either one of them these few days. If it is not her, it’s Jack, or its both of them. Maybe someone up there is hinting to me to try my luck on Marissa. Hmmmm… I just might try. But I digress.

Marissa looked depressed today. I wanted to talk to her but she was in the damn photocopying room. God knows which psychopath designed the damned library! Going to that place was like going through King Minos’ maze! I would not be surprised if that hawk-eyed librarian was a cousin of Minotaur. She is as mean, perhaps, even worse. Sigh… Watching Melissa back through the glass is such a heart breaking thing. I almost had the urge to break the window and console her, but I fear my bones will break before I touch get through the pane. My only chance, shattered before my eyes. But then again, it might be that all the work is getting to her. Everyone is under stress these days. Even my housemates ignored me when I was planning to go to the game shop to kick some butt! Those guys would never give up a good game for study! Not in their entire life! The things stress does to people.

Got to go back slogging in those musty books again. I am determined to perform another miracle again. Wish me luck.

02 Oct 2003

I hereby pronounce myself dead. Life is a joke by someone with a wicked sense of humour.

Me, being a dedicated and diligent student, decided to proofread my completed essay one more time before I submit them. And guess what did I realised? I had totally confused the datelines for 3 of them. That means that I submitted 3 essays way before the due date and 3 essays a week after the due dates. I am so dead…

I feel like crap now… Might just go down to the lake tomorrow to yell my head off. Hope it works.

03 Oct 2003

Yelled till my voice cracked. It wasn’t really pleasant but at least, it did relieve some of my stress. Weeks of going to the library and tunnelling into reports have really contorted my senses. It feels good, but still I could not help but worry. Essays that were a week late. That’s awfully late for crying out loud. Hope that my tutors hear me out. I feel like a convict waiting for the jury to slam the guillotine on my poor poor neck.

And guess who I came across when I was yelling and screaming like a nutcase? Jack, looking moody and stuff. Somehow, even the perfect student was infected with the stress strain running amok in campus. Whatever happened to his happy-go-lucky view of life? Sigh… the things stress does to people.

Jack was sitting by the lake, tossing stones aimlessly. Some of the ducks were unlucky to be hit by some of the stones. It was hilarious watching those annoyed ducks complaining if not for that ominous frown on Jack’s face. After a bout of squawking and water thrashing, the ducks flew away. Pretty cute eh?

Anyway, I decided to give my voice a break and invited myself to sit beside him. Jack had tearstains running down his cheeks! Jack crying? Now that was unthinkable! Here was the perfect guy sitting alone by the lake crying. What in the world happened man? I asked him, but he just shook his head and kept mum. It’s true that I am not that close with him and I might have sounded terrible in that croaking voice of mine, but I was very concerned for him. He sat by the lake, huddling his knees as tears charted a sad map on his cheeks. It really breaks my heart to see friends having a rough time. I am not a counsellor nor am I proficient in these situations so I just kept quiet and threw the stones with him. After a while, he seemed lost in his own thoughts to even notice I was there. It was too eerie to believe that this was Jack.

It was about half past four when all of a sudden, Marissa appeared and yanked Jack up. Jack hung limply from her hands as she pummelled him with stuff I didn’t understand. I was too stunned to understand what she said to him, but it was not pleasant. She then dragged him from the lake. I didn’t know that girl was so strong. She dragged him for quite a bit before Jack started walking. It was a terrible sight, seeing such a lovely couple having an argument. And my perfect image of Marissa… shattered before my eyes… Sigh.

It’s none of my business but I was pretty stunned by the both of them I must admit. I wonder what’s happening. It might be the workload, it might not be. I had better worry about myself than others in this case. The three essays…. Man… am I so dead.


Deafening Silence
“ … tomorrow might be good or … something”

07 Oct 2003

Yeah, I know I know. The dreaded exams are coming. But this time, I believe I am prepared to confront the papers. I have confidence!

Been wandering about campus these days with a couple of my friends. I have admit that I hoped to bump into either Jack or Marissa. My friend picked up the hint that I was snuffling for their scent but he’s not telling. Thank goodness. But he had the cheek to label me a nosey parker. So much for showing concern for a friend.

14 Oct 2003

My tutors returned my essays. I am on the verge of killing myself. I failed all of them. Terribly. The damn tutors said that I lacked content and was rambling about trivial points! Trivial! Rambling! If I could wring their necks, they’ll see how trivial it is to me! And what’s worse is that none of the tutors believed a word I said! They said it was my responsible to ensure that I submitted all of them in at the right time at the right place! I admit it’s my fault but deducting 10% before marking the essay is like condemning me to death! I cannot survive with 10% gone with the wind!

Crap, I shall scream my head off again, this time in the middle of the night. Perhaps that will start a rumour that there is a banshee that haunts the campus.

No sign of Jack or Marissa. Somehow they seemed to have been spirited away.

29 Oct 2003

The exams were murderous. I am sure that the tutors enjoyed the idea of making the exam hall an abattoir. Many, and I emphasize, many, including me I must add, were groaning as we left the exam hall, feeling as if our life force had been sucked dry. It was hellish. Whoever appointed those sick fools for writing the exam papers should have their head checked and dismissed from the education circle. Forever. As for the sick fools, they ought to be shut in some room or jail specialised for sick people like them.

It is weird that I can’t even find Jack in the exam hall. It was as if he didn’t even go for the exams. Preposterous! How can he miss the exams! A perfect student like him can’t miss the exams! It must be me. I must be too horrified by the papers to notice his presence.

31 Oct 2003

Freedom! Goodbye to exams! Sayonara assignments! Farewell lectures! Wooo! What a great feeling! Well, at least for the time being.

I realised I have been scolding myself these days. It must be the exams. It’s getting pretty ugly recently, almost to the point of chiding myself in the mirror. I should stop. Tell yourself Mike. Stop scolding yourself. You look like a nutcase. But you are not, so stop scolding yourself… Damn… did I just did what I was not supposed to do? …

Bah. Still, the air smells fresher when you are free.

Still no sign of Jack.

I am not a stalker and I swear to that truth. But it’s getting on my nerves that I haven’t seen him since that day at the lake. My intuition tells me this is not good at all.

Well, at least I know that Marissa still exists. If the aliens had spirited Jack away, Mulder and Scully managed to save Marissa from experiments hell. Caught a glimpse of her at the hall today. Seemed like she was rushing off to somewhere.

I am not a stalker so I did not follow her.

Remember, I am not a stalker.

5 Nov 2003

Finally I caught up with Marissa. It was just coincidence that I was chatting with my friends at a café when I realised that the lone girl sitting beside was Marissa! I must have been blind or something. To think that I was formulating a pick up line for the pretty girl at the next table. Bah…

Well, my friends were not very impressed when I left the conversation halfway and plopped myself beside Marissa. I didn’t bother. The guys can talk all they like.

It took her a while to notice that I now sat across the table from her. Without even acknowledging me, she broke down into tears! And I was about to start a cheery conversation. Girls’ crying really gets on my nerves. I don’t know what to do when people cry. They are just so fragile and emotional. The wrong thing said could just send them plummeting into the chasm in their hearts again.

Well I offered her a listening ear but she just wouldn’t tell me! It’s like the other time at the lake with Jack. Something’s going on between the two of them. I am convinced of that much. Although she was sobbing away and burying her face into her hands, I got a hint that she appreciated my presence. That’s what I did for the rest of the afternoon, just being with her. She did not say a thing as we walked down the streets, just lost in her own thoughts.

It was late when I saw her home. The poor girl just whispered a word of thanks before disappearing into the dark house. I wonder if she’s going to be all right.

I am not a stalker. Commit that to memory. I met her incidentally. Honestly. But I shall give in to the fact that I am a hopeless nosey parker.

14 Nov 2003

This got to be the worst day in this year for me. Forget the messed up essays, forget the screwed up exams, forget the crush on some haughty girl. Everything is insignificant when you lose a friend, forever.

Jack was found at the bottom of his apartment this morning. Jack had jumped from his room. Jack is lost to us now. Forever.

Why did he do that? He was such a great guy. Damn… why am I using the past tense for him now? He is still here isn’t he? He is still with us. At least, that’s what I believe. Jack’s dead. It’s so hard to accept. Everyone has their periods of ups and downs and I believe that was just a bad day for him that day at the lake. But surely, this was unnecessarily…

I will miss his smiles, his laughing voice and his helpfulness.

Damn you Jack… Damn you for causing so much hurt to all of us.

15 Nov 2003

He wasn’t given a proper funeral as he committed suicide or so they say. How cruel it is for them to do such a thing. I still can’t believe Jack’s left the world. But now, I am beginning to understand that whatever happens, happens for a reason. The reason that occurs as trivial to some of us, strikes others as important. Whatever the reason was for Jack, it must have been very important. I heard that people who commit suicide do not rest easy… I just hope that Jack has found his peace in choosing what he is done.


End of the Road
“ Pretty soon they’ll come and get me… “

13 November
10.34pm

It is Friday today. The last Friday I’ll see. It’s been a month since I’ve sent him that present. As usual he would try to reject it and say that it’s something that he can’t accept. He said he can’t love me, but I still love him. I can’t forget him. I can’t put him out of my mind. It’s almost driving me crazy.

The room looks kind of bright tonight. It’s a full moon and Mr Moon decides to illuminate the play that I am about to put up. Soon anyway. It’s not time yet. I think I’ll write a letter to him. He might or might not appreciate it, but I still love him no matter what.

All these years of covering up this pain within me has finally broken me. How many times did I found myself staggering out of the pubs drunk? How many times did I found myself wandering aimlessly on the streets thinking about him? Too many times … too many times.

I do appreciate Marissa’s kindness for sticking around me. She is the best friend I ever had. She didn’t even mind when I told her the truth. She said that she would be beside me whenever I needed someone. Thanks Marissa, but this time, I think I rather be alone.

Think the time has come to carry out the play. Goodbye world.

00.12pm

I can’t do it. I just do not have the guts to do. I should learn to do this in a calm and composed manner. Come on Jack, you can do it. You can leave this world behind.


Questions but no Answers
“…staring at the ceiling, making friend with shadows…”

Dear Diary,

It’s been a month since Jack left us. I still can’t believe it. That idiot. How many times have I told him to give up on unreciprocated love and move on? There’s bound to be someone else who appreciates his love! And all this time… I…  Jack… you fool… you fucking idiotic fool… why didn’t you listen to me.

I feel so empty. Lost. Although I know the truth, it felt good being mistaken as his girlfriend. He didn’t mind. I think he knew I enjoyed it. Why didn’t he share with me all his pain? Why did he tell me all about it? I am sure that I could do something about it… But all he did wast to break my heart… I can’t go on anymore. I think I shall stop for tonight.

Jack… you idiot… I love you…